I have rehearsed those words a squillion times. The truth is sometimes I just want to quit. But that’s not a new thought for me. I have wanted to quite my entire life. It’s the ”hardwire”.
That kind of thinking has been my lifelong companion. I have allowed it to manifest itself in many ways. Between my own self imposed destructive tendencies… To making choices of people who might go ahead and just do it for me. Somehow I missed that mark. So did they.
ANOTHER TRUTH is that I have worked long and hard against that same thinking, rising up against the odds, like so many of us do. What I have failed to realize until most recently, is my fight. My internal fight is stronger than my deepest darkness and fears, the depth of which at times is still shocking. Because at times my insides still feel impossible, like old tar.
While its true that the self doubt and the nagging questioning of ones existence and purpose is not a stranger to a lot of artists. Maybe just people in general, I can only speak to my own experience. It certainly is not a stranger to me.
MORE TRUTH IS, that I have been seriously thinking of quitting the music business all together. Mulling it over and over in my mind for at least two years now. Not quitting singing. The actual singing makes me happy. It brings me peace. It gives me joy. It reduces my anxiety a lot. The fans and supporters are beyond beautiful.
It’s the actual business that has become incredibly distorted and painful. Beyond frustration, its downright ugly and disrespectful. The business of music. Ugh.
NOTE TO SELF: Hmmmm… Maybe a dog walking business or working with animal rescue organization…
But then… this other stuff keeps happening. The thing is this, these last two years have been particularly different in a way that is harder and harder for me to ignore. And I do mean different.
Part of that equation that in the last couple years I appear to have inadvertently completed a list of things I never thought could actually be real.
Literally, I have carried this list for longer than I can recall, just below the surface, the thoughts I fight, that tar that want to steer the ship… It’s a long list of never…
I will never be happy.
(Actually I am frequently happy nowadays)
I will never trust anyone.
(I am gifted with true friends and loved ones I trust deeply)
I will never become a songwriter.
(Well… looks like I am a work in progress.)
I will never be able to put out actual vinyl.
(After 44 years in the business of music we are releasing my first limited edition vinyl of the now 2017 Grammy nominated `LOVE WINS AGAIN)
I will never be nominated for a Grammy.
I will never write “my story”.
(The book actually happened in 2015 and I am seeking publishing
meanwhile a musical sprang from the book. Digits crossed… Ha! Go figure.)
AND WHAT IS ACCURATE IS, the “never” list goes on and on, but for now lets leave it at the above.
SO HERE is the different. The part where I stare at my feet and scratch my head.
I recognize the awkward sweetness of being wrong… again. It is good to be wrong.
I am humbled. I am grateful – albeit still slightly confused. I am pulled in two different directions by all of this realizing THIS is my “hardwire” vs my “rewire”, if you know what I mean.…? All a bit “schitzo” if you ask me.
Welcome to Me …
I FULLY REALIZE by sharing this piece, I am at risk of being totally misunderstood. But please, make no mistake about it. I remain incredibly grateful for all I have been given and the hard work ethic bestowed upon me when I was very young. The countless “helping hands” and many “legs up” that have so graciously been given my way throughout the course of my career and lifetime. Mostly, I hold this as the debt that I can never repay. I simply and sweetly understand, that my biggest obligation to my audience, my fans and friends is to be authentic. To be the best version of me that I can. Authentically human. So I guess this piece of writing is a little ore of my humanity. Both sides of me.
IT SEEMS that 2017 is having a hella’ start… A Grammy nomination, the BMA nominations just came out and I am again honored as a nominee, we are in full on writing/recording mode for the next release, I signed on with Atomic Music Group as new agents and 72 Music Management is going great guns.
That is a LOT of “rewire” action.
OH YEAH. That Grammy nominated vinyl mentioned above? Blue Elan’ did a limited edition (200) pressing to celebrate my 60th turn around the sun… January 30th…You can pre-order it here if you dig vinyl. The actual street date is January 27th… If you pre-order by Jan. 20th, you get an autographed copy from yours truly. I am super proud to actually have vinyl out. Super proud.
SO FOR NOW, if you can make it to any of the live shows, I will take your presence as I always do… a personal gift. Check out the tour dates above. More are being added regularly.
AND IF YOU’RE INTO IT… We could also celebrate the “rewire” right? Celebrate me being wrong…
Personally, I like that idea… a lot.